What are your personal values? how to find & live by them (+ free list)
Learn what personal values are, why they matter, and how to discover yours.
What are your personal values, really — and how do they shape your life? In this warm, practical guide, we’ll explore what personal values are, why they matter for your mental health and daily wellbeing, and how to discover yours. You’ll find clear, step-by-step reflections, plus a free downloadable values list and reflective workbook to help you connect with what truly matters — so you can start living with more intention and ease, even when life feels uncertain.
Why you might be feeling lost, stuck, or out of sync
If you’ve ever felt like you’re drifting through life — doing everything you should do but feeling oddly unfulfilled — you’re not alone. Maybe you say ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’. Maybe you work hard to please everyone but lose touch with what actually lights you up inside. Or maybe you chase goals that look good on paper but leave you feeling empty once you reach them.
When we feel disconnected like this, it’s often because we’ve lost sight of our personal values — those deeply held principles that act as our invisible compass. When your actions don’t line up with what really matters to you, it can feel like swimming against the current: tiring, frustrating, and unsatisfying.
The good news? You can reconnect with your values — and you don’t need to transform your whole life overnight. Small steps and gentle reflection are enough to start real change.
OK Alex, enough with the map and compass analogies!
What are personal values (and why do they matter so much)?
Your personal values are the core beliefs and principles that guide how you live, love, work, and relate to others. They help you decide what to prioritise, when to say yes or no, and how to stay grounded when life gets wobbly.
Unlike goals — which are about specific outcomes — values are about direction. You never really “achieve” them; you live by them.
Think of it like this:
🗺️ Goals = the destinations on your map
🧭 Values = the compass that keeps you pointed in the right direction
When your life choices align with your values, you’re more likely to feel motivated, at peace with yourself, and clear-headed — even when life is messy.
Clarity: You can make decisions that feel right.
Boundaries: You can say yes or no without guilt — because you know what matters.
Confidence: You trust yourself more when you live authentically.
Research shows that living in line with your values boosts well-being and life satisfaction (Wood et al., 2008).
Why it’s easy to lose touch with your values
Many of us drift away from our true values over time. Here are some common answers as to why:
People-Pleasing: Saying yes to keep the peace, even when it drains you.
Conditioning: Adopting beliefs that aren’t really yours — from family, culture, or social media.
Fear of Conflict: Hiding your needs because you’re afraid of rocking the boat.
Busyness: Staying so busy you don’t pause to check if you’re on the right path.
This gap between what you care about and how you’re living creates what psychologists call cognitive dissonance — an uncomfortable tension that can lead to stress, anxiety, or low mood.
For example, you might stay late at work every night to please your boss, even though you value family time — and then feel resentful but unsure why. Or maybe you value honesty, but you hold back your true thoughts in a relationship to avoid conflict — then feel disconnected or misunderstood.
You might also imagine someone raised to believe that success means having a prestigious job and earning lots of money — but deep down they value creativity and freedom more than status. This mismatch can quietly drain their energy, no matter how “successful” they look on paper.
Prompt: Reflect now on where these examples show up in your life and how it makes you feel when they do. What’s the situation, and what emotions and thoughts arise?
But here’s the good news: even if you’ve lost sight of your values, they’re still there — just waiting for you to uncover them.
“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
How to Find Your Personal Values: A Practical Step-by-Step Guide
Ready to get closer to what truly matters? Here’s a gentle, CBT-inspired approach to help you find and reconnect with your values.
Step 1: Notice the signs you’re out of sync
Start by recognising when you’re living out of alignment. Do you:
Feel drained, stuck, or unsure why you’re dissatisfied?
Say yes when you mean no?
Struggle to make decisions or constantly second-guess yourself?
If so, your values might be buried under habits, fear, or old “shoulds.”
Step 2: Reflect on when you feel most ‘You’
Ask yourself:
When do I feel most alive, honest, and at ease?
Who am I with, and what am I doing?
What drains me or makes me feel fake?
Write down your thoughts — you might start seeing patterns emerge.
Step 3: Explore my free bumper values list
I’ve created a free downloadable guide with 75+ example values to inspire you. Use it like a buffet — circle the ones that spark recognition, even if you don’t know why yet. You can then work through the guide to hone in on your own core values.
Step 4: Narrow it down
Once you’ve circled your “maybes,” get more focused:
Pick your Top 10 — which ones feel essential right now?
Then choose your Core 3–5 — your non-negotiables that make you feel most authentic.
Step 5: Try the ‘Metaphor of David’
Use this simple but powerful visualisation. When asked how he sculpted David, Michelangelo said: “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
You are the marble. Your values — your authentic self — are David.
What pieces of marble can you chip away? (e.g. people-pleasing, overcommitment)
What does your ‘David’ look like? (e.g. living with kindness, courage, honesty)
This exercise helps you see what stays — and what doesn’t belong.
Your ‘marble’ might be the belief that you always have to say yes to invitations — even when you’re exhausted. Chipping it away could mean politely declining plans to rest when appropriate instead, honouring your value of self-care.
Step 6: Live your values in small ways
Living your values isn’t about overhauling your life overnight. It’s about tiny, doable choices.
Examples:
If you value health but you’ve been skipping breaks, try blocking a 10-minute walk after lunch.
If you value growth, sign up for that evening class you keep putting off.
If you value kindness, do a small unexpected favour for someone today — it doesn’t have to be big.
Real talk: Sometimes your job or environment won’t fully match your values. That’s normal — you can still find small ways to honour what matters, and look for bigger changes over time if you want to.
If you want to explore how your values connect to your bigger picture, read our Psychology of Vision guide next.
Keep coming back to what matters
Your values are a compass you can return to when life feels wobbly. You don’t have to live perfectly aligned every moment — that’s not realistic. But you can check in regularly and ask:
What really matters to me?
Am I acting in line with that today?
Every small step you take to carve away what doesn’t belong — and nurture what does — builds a life that feels more you.
Ready to start? Download your free values guide
If you’re ready to get clear on what truly matters and make small, doable changes in your everyday life, download your free guide now:
75+ example values
Reflection prompts
Practical exercises to bring your values to life
And if you’d like gentle weekly support, sign up for our Mindful Minute — one short, practical insight to help you live more intentionally, every week.
About the Author
Hi I’m Alex Rogers, a student of counselling and psychotherapy with specialist training in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and the founder of The Mind Hive.
Drawing on my background in mental health, content creation, and lived experience, my aim is to create accessible support that helps people manage anxiety, stress, low mood, OCD, and more—using evidence-based CBT tools and techniques.
Through The Mind Hive, I’m on a mission to make structured self-help more engaging, empowering, and effective—without needing to wait for 1:1 support.
Want to get started? Check out my 6-week self-guided CBT programmes.
